The Guilt Trip: My Breastfeeding Journey

So to say that I have had a hard time breastfeeding Kenzie would be a huge understatement! It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done before. When I was pregnant I assumed that breastfeeding would be a wonderful and easy experience. I had done so much research and read the best "breastfeeding how to" books out there. I felt extremely confident in myself that I would be a pro in no time. No way was that even the story! Makenzie came out perfect in every way and I got to breastfeed her right away after she was born. I thought everything was great and that was the case the entire stay at the hospital. I had her on a Saturday so there were no LC available so I would ask the nurses for some help as I thought she might not be latching on right but wasn't sure. They told me everything looked fine and checked to see if she was tongue-tied which she wasn't. Another big problem was that we had given birth to a sleeping baby so to wake her up every 2 hours was impossible and would take an hour in itself to wake her up! I knew something wasn't adding up. We went home and that is when she started to fight me every time I went to feed her and when she did go to the breast the latch was not good at all. I started to feel totally frustrated and angry at Makenzie which made me feel like a terrible mom. I called the LC on base and she got me in the next day as she heard the urgency in my voice. When we got there she weighed her and then had me try to feed her. Like I had thought she had a terrible latch and because she hadn't really had a good feeding since she was born she had already lost more than 10% of her birth weight. My milk supply had dropped down to barely nothing. I was devastated! I went in the next day and was finally able to get a good latch on both boobs but once again when I got home I had no success. By this time I had lost it and I broke down and started to sob. I'm not a crier so this was not like me at all. I didn't know what to do and Kenzie hadn't pooped or peed for 2 days and I knew in the back of my head the inevitable was going to happen. I was going to end up formula feeding her. I hadn't even thought about that option as I was going to breastfeed and that was it. This was so hard for me because I felt that formula was poison. Crazy to think that figuring I was formula fed. I knew it wasn't the best thing for her and I just couldn't accept that. In the end I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and I gave up on my dream of breastfeeding. I had surrendered. So formula it was and I noticed that formula feeding has its perks too (faster feedings, people can help etc.) Well a couple days ago at like 2 AM I got curious and put her to my boob to see what she would do and you know what happened??? She latched perfectly! What the heck! She fed on each side for a total of 45 min! I thought it was a fluke thing but she did that all night long. Ever since I have been nursing her before formula feeding her and hopefully in a month or so I can say that I am exclusively breastfeeding her! Lets just hope that my supply gets back up! Keep your fingers crossed!